Chapter Eleven--Spontaneity

This is a deviation from the tales of Markofvious,

but jordan blumenthal is the shit.

tune in tomorrow for more stories of Markofvious as he battles the Russians

Chapter 10--Oooo.... Awkward

While Markofvious rallied the zimmerite troops and prepared for his FASHION ZERO POINT OF THE HOLOCAUST. Ricarday was leading the russians in their long cold march towards the Zimmerites lands. Markofvius, needing more time, used what remained of Rajega's testosterone to summon two succubitic harpies from same town as lord Hite. They were know only as the Face girls, for it was said to look into their faces was to see NATO itself in all its consultation ridden glory. However, in private, and for the purposes of this tale, they called each other pretty miss fellaton and Fen-phen (the author of these tales would like to take a minute here to insert that this name was previously copyrighted by Pfizer, and any usage here is completely accidental for more on Fen-phen see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fen-phen). Using an old pickle he found in a jar, Markovious commanded the harpies to go to the gates that were the entrance to Zimmerite lands and bar the invading Russians from entering. The harpies, unable to resist the delicious pickle, promtly gobbled it whole and hobbled harpily off to fend off the Russians.

Once at the gates, the harpies settled in and used their magic to spin deadly traps for the Russians. From afar, Ricarday and his advisor Dominatrix Beierryan spied these traps, however, seeing no way around decided to send their most attractive and lithe general in, to see if he could fight his way through and allow the russians to enter into the Zimmerite's fertile cresent (*wink wink*). This general's name was flake blohnson (no caps intentionally pretentious). Flake blohnson was a man about which much can be said, however, not much will be. Suffice to say that looking into his eyes was like the first time you ever heard the Beatles, also if ever in need of a sail, flake was as good, if not better, than any you could buy in the store.

With a cheery smile and a “jolly-gee whilikers”, flake rushed off towards the gates. He treded carefully so as to avoid the majority of the traps. However, he was caught in one trap. The trap was a devious one know only as “the nicotine spleen,” in it flake had to crush all of his tobacco products and pass a physical to move on. He failed miserably but was able to seduce the spirits in the trap and move on, through sexiness alone. Sadly this is how much of his life had been.

He finally reached the gates themselves and saw the harpies perched on top munching joyously on a pickle they had discovered only moments earlier. When they spotted flake they gasped in suprise and sprung their final trap: the riddle of the Face girls.

The riddle was as follows: Why did the chicken cross the road?

To which flake responded: fuck the child in whose name we're collectively terrorized

Then the harpies heads exploded with a noise that sounded like “Cuomo!!!!,” and the Russian invasion was on.

Chapter Nine--Clash of the Titans

In the land of the Mole People, Markofvious sowly approached Lord Hite. As he entered his chambers he was compelled to kneel at the greatness that surrounds the concept of his majesty. "Rise" Lord Hite said. "what do u seek" Markofvious answered "I would like to return to the land of Glenview to lead the Zimmerites into battle" Lord Hite looked up at Markovious from behind his Macbook pro. He stood up, clad in jeans, a green polo, and sandals, and summoned his two chief advisors, Spotty C and Grike Meanstein, After a long and contemplative discussion, Lord Hite issued a decree. Just as Markofvious suspected, to leave the land of the Mole People and return to lead the Zimmerites he would have to prove himself. His test: battle to the death v the Sweil. Markofvious knew the odds were set against him, but his bravery outweighed his courage. He accepted the challenge shaking with fear. Lord Hite snapped his fingers, and before Markofvious could blink he was standing in the middle of a giant Greco-Roman colosseum, equipped only with his trusty sword Reygan, and wearing a heavy metal t-shirt and black jeans. He looked around at the millions of mole people jeering at him as Lord Hite sat on his royal throne, which he called Wesmory. his advisors sat next to him, in addition to his court jester, schim jultz. The crowd went silent as Lord Hite began to speak. He welcomed the challenger, Markofvious, and wished him the best of luck. "Let the fight begin." At his signal, a giant gate at the base of the colosseum opened. Out from it sprung Sweil, an 900 pound monster of a fighter. Foaming at the mouth, he lunged forth towards Markofvious. Trying the same trick as he did on Murrayman, he jumped out of the way at the last second, attemping to force Sweil into a corner. Unfortunately, Sweil was much too quick for Markofvious and has Markofvious flipped, Sweil changed directions and pinned Markofvious to the ground. Unable to reach Reygan from his sheath, it seemed as if the fight would end too quickly. But Markofvious, having learned the ways of Jason Peterson, used a Synoptic Dilusion spell to make himself invisible and flipped Sweil onto his back. Reygan in hand, Markofvious charged at Sweil. They fought brutally in an even fight for 3 hours. Unfortunately, Makofvious had not nearly the endurance that Sweil had from years of speaking drills and practice speeches. Markofvious was sweating profusely and was reaching the point of collapse. Two young whippersnappers in the crowd, who had heard of the plight of the Zimmerites, could not bear to see Markofvious lose. Balex Kiles, the owner of club 17, and Mathias Meshticles, known as Metroman, decided to help markofvious. They jumped from the stands into the Colosseum. There was no turning back. They each drew their swords. Balex charged forward at Sweil, who turned around and snapped him in two like a twig. Metroman knew this would not go well. Raised in a health spa in metro atlanda, Mathias was not prepared for the brutality of Sweil. But Mathias could not save himself for his bright pink pants drew Sweil's attention immediately. As Sweil charged at Mathias, Markofvious flung Reygan straight at Sweil, puncturing his heart and killing him. The crowd was silent. Dead silent. Lord Hite showed no emotion, however, and honored Markofvious' bravery. With the snap of his fingers, Markofvious and Rajega were magically transported to the Zimmerite camp just in time. The Russians were approaching quickly. They had little time to bring a fashing crisis upon Ricarday.

Chapter 8--Camp Choas

Moral was at an all time low due to the emergence of a new religion: Calumnanity. This religion was based aroundt he teachings of radical Zimmerite cleric and anti-Russian agitator Muqutadh Al'Nyquist, and was named after its high priest one Calum the blonde. Claum the blonde and his wife T^2 (or t-squared if you will) ruled over their followers with an iron fist, and drilled into the Zimmerites an irrational fear of all things Russian. The three main tenants of Calumnanity were as follows: 1. OHHH GOD THE RUSSIANS 2. IN NYQUIST WE TRUST 3. NO HOMO. The Calumnists (as believers were commonly called) often suffered from religious seizures, in which they would twist and shout about how the Russians. Were Mobilizing. Now.
As such psychoanalytic therapy was in high demand, which the neighbooring commune (Cocainek), was more than happy to provide. Consequentially incest was also on the rise.
At the same time, Kitty was brooding. She knew that christoph would try to assinate her due to her obviously superior attire and even cheerier demeanor. With this in mind, she knew what she had to do. She had to forge a mighty weapon, a weapon so great that christoph would never be able to defeat her. She traveled far and wide searching for a steel that she could bend to her will through her teasing lead-on magic. She came upon a meteorite decended from heaven, and using a strand of her firey red hair crafted it into a weapon that would obey all her whims and tryna with her all the time, thus never leaving her feeling lonely. She called this blade: luxcaliber. Luxcaliber, which had its own personality and agency, nesteled its handle firmly in her pocket where it would remain ensconced, smoking clove cigarettes, growing absurd facial hair, and reading focault, until called upon by kitty at which point it would jump at any chance of contact and do kitty's bidding. With this in place kitty and the Zimmerites now had a weapon powerful enough to repel almost any Russian attack, which made the other tribes uneasy causing counterbalancing, the kaganites (anther rival tribe) refused to believe this and were promptly exterminated by the neighboring tribe of border trolls. But that is a tale for another time.

Chapter Seven--The Mole People

Rajega, clad in pink argyle, sprinted across the green fields with Markofvious towards the Zimmerite camp. On their way, Markofvious spotted what seemed to be a cave just north of them. From the dark depths of the cave, they heard a shrill noise followed by the cheering of many people. While Markofvious knew they had to keep moving towards the camp, Rajega's curiosity got the better of him and he decided to venture into the cave. Knowing he could not defeat Ricarday without Rajega, Markofvious followed. As they entered the cave, a pungent smell filled the air. Markofvious knew what it was: it was the scent of excessive testosterone. Markofvious drew Raygen, his sword, from his sheath and Rajega summoned his gnome wizards, deetay and eliz, for protection. As they made their way into the cave, a giant winnie-the-pooh shaped manbearpig sprung forth from the cave, wearing the skin of other men and an Obama 2008 tee-shirt. Looking Rajega strainght in the eye the creature lashed out and tackled Rajega, shredding his Argyle sweater to pieces. It was the last thing Markofvious could have wanted. It was the Murrayman, a hairy half man, half bear, half pig who fed on the testosterone of other men. The Murrayman dug his fangs into Rajega's frail arm, sucking out his testosterone until Rajega sprouted large breasts and ovaries. deetay and eliz were no match for the Murrayman as he leaped off of Rajega and started sucking the testosterone out of them. Markofvious, known for his bravery, flexed his pecs, giving off the scent of manliness. Catching on to the scent, the Murrayman looked up at Markofvious and his manly abs. It was the meal The Murrayman had been waiting for. As he charged toward Markofvious at a top speed of 68 mph with headwind, Markofvious did a triple axle backflip and The Murrayman ran right past him, smashing his thick skull into the stalagmites ahead. The force of the blow caused the roof of the cave to crumble, burrying the murrayman under a heep of limestone and covering the exit. Markofvious was trapped. There was no where to go besides deeper into the cave. He pick up Rajega's frail body, now effeminate and beautiful, and carried him into the cave. As he walked into the depths of the cave, the cold water dripping onto his head, the sounds of shrill barking became more evident. As he kept going, a light in the distance appeared and the sounds got louder and louder. Markofvious had walked into the land of the Mole People, ruled by their king, His Majesty Hite Davidson. In the cave, Lord Hite was conducting his annual dogfight with his prized terrier Sweil. The challenger, the Fisherman of Northview, was no match for the sheer power of Sweil. As Sweil carved apart the Fisherman piece by piece, the crowd cheered and Lord Hite smiled, a rare sight. Markofvious had only one way to leave and he knew it. He would have to fight in the arena. Against Sweil.

Chapter 6--The Quest

Markofvious enjoyed the company of Thiboner, who ran even faster than he did. By the end of the second night, they were talking amicably about their past manly ventures. Markofvious bragged of the time he impregnated four women with one bicep flex. Thiboner told of the time he earned his name, which used to be Toby, by stealing an emerald from the bellybutton of Rains, the snow beast. As the stories were told, however, Markofvious grew nervous that Thiboner may be manlier than him, and more apt to lead to the Zimmerites. By the third morning, Markovious’s jealousy was full blown and he formulated a plan. He told his pet falcon, Hernandez, to kill Thiboner. As the two beautiful fellas strolled into Flynncock’s forbidden forest they took a moment of pause. The only entity that had ever entered Flynncock’s forest was Rajega himself. They bravely ventured forward until they came upon her swampy nest. She emerged, beautiful but for a dark set of gills on the left side of her throat, and asked why they had encroached on her swamp. The brave heroes told her of the need for Rajega. “He pesters me with facebook videos all the time, and takes pictures of his body whenever there is a camera around. You will have to do something in exchange if I am to summon him.” Apperantly, there was an enormous goat who was devouring her bid flocks who was named Gurdon.
0 “I have only ever eaten one, but it was so delicious, and I would love to have some more. Should you slay Gurdon, I will call Rajeda.” The heroes quickly ran to the mountain pass where Gurdon dwelled. He slept noisily, and breathed so heavily that each time he inhaled his long chin hair was drawn into his fanged mouth. Knowing they could not defeat him while he was awake, they pushed a boulder off of a mountain brook above and crushed his head with it. While pushing, however, Hernandez waited until they approached the very edge of the cliff. He then landed on Thiboner’s shoulders and pushed him off, into Gurdon’s mouth below. Markofvious returned to Flynncock, the lone survivor. Happy about Gurdon’s demise, she called Rajeda, who had been waiting for her call. He appeared with a flourish in a poof of an Argyle cloud. After Flynncock instructed Rajeda of his mission, Rajeda and Markofvious began to trek home with Hernandez in tow. Before returning to the village of the Zimmerites, Thiboner’s wife, Punjanshu, found the two travelers. She nagged Rajeda until he was deeply wounded and timid. Markofvious helped Rajeda limp away, afraid that he might no longer have the strength to combat the Russians with a fashion disaster.

Chapter Five--Sticklers

Markofvious had only three days to find flynncock.  He knew he had powerful quadriceps and the ability to run 100 miles in a single day, but he was still worried.  In his first day, a powerful storm hit.  Markofvious, knowing he still had to run, had to find a potions master to cast a spell on him making him shielded from lightning strikes.  He stumbled across a potions shack.  Inside was the Russian potionsmaster, Steckler.  Steckler had no idea who Markofvious was or where he was coming from, but attempted to recruit Markofvious into the Russian army.  When Markofvious refused, Steckler's 12'7 840 lb magic troll, Rehrlich, came storming out of the back of the shack, trying to kill Markofvious.  Scared for his life, Markofvious pulled out his magic sword, whom he named Raygen, and stabbed Rehrlich straight through the heart.  Fortunately for Rehrlich, Steckler cast a spell on him that made his heart re-grow immediately inbetween his two testicles.  Knowing he could not fight Steckler's magic, Markofvious ran to the door.  Steckler, however, was too quick.  He cast a spell on Markofvious that made the souls of his feet frictionless such that he could not run.  It seemed as if it were the end of Markofvious.  Rehrlich would swallow him hole and Rajega would never ben summoned.  As Rehrlich swung his giant club-like arm at Markofvious, a beggar, Thiboner, came into the shack.  Thiboner was there to find a cure for his sickly wife, Punjanshu.  Having lightning fast reflexes, he grabbed Markofvious, just narrowly escaping Rehrlich's swing, and ran out.  No longer in the shack, the spell no longer prevented Markofvious from obtaining a frictional force, and thus he could once again run.  Markofvious thanked Thiboner and gave him a spot as a general in the Zimmerite army.  Thiboner, who was as loyal as Anuj Panday is bonable, pledged to follow Markofvious on his quest to find Flynncock.  Forgetting about Punjanshu, they marched on towards the underworld in search of Flynncock

Chapter Four--The Spies

Back in the Russian camp, Ricarday and JZ were amassing an army of hundreds of thousands.  They lived a nomadic life, going from tribe to tribe picking off followers and killing the rest.  It was brutality at its worst.  As the Russians marched slowly toward the panicking Zimmerite camp, two fairies, Christoph and Kitty, overheard Ricarday's plan to encircle the camp in a midnight ambush.  Christoph and Kitty, known for being devilish troublemakers, decided to inform the Zimmerites.  On their way, however, they got into an argument about who was wearing more stylish clothes. They argued and argued and eventually things got violent.  Christoph threw a punch at Kitty who deflected it and broke Christoph's face over a giant anvil.  Enraged, Christoph raced back to the Russian camp to join Ricarday's army.  His plan was to foil Kitty's attempt to tell the Zimmerites about the Russians and frame Kitty.  He knew the Russians would execute her immediately.  

When Kitty got to the Zimmerite camp, Markofvious and Hagnimity had finally created order in the tribe.  When Kitty informed Markofvious of the plan, he came up with a plan: he would summon the god of Argyle, Rajega, to bring a fashion crisis upon the Russian camp.  Markofvious knew Ricarday's weakness: his inability to cope with poorly ironed slacks and flannel shirts.  But, to summon the God of Argyle, Markofvious knew he would have to venture deep into the underworld to the median spirit Flynncock.  Markofvious, leaving Hagnimity to run the camp, left his wife, Stacy, and their son, Danny Bernick Markofvious, to explore the deep dark depths of the underworld to find Flynncock.   

Chpater Three--The Rise of a Leader

When news of the Russians reached the Zimmerites, panic and terror broke out.  Never having needed a system of governance before, the Zimmerites did not know how to organize themselves.  A leader emerged that would save them: Philip the Great.  He died.  Fortunately, another leader emerged who would save them and last longer than 4 seconds: Markofvious.  Markofvious was a 19 year old protigee born to highly respected tribal elders Gary and Lisa.  Standing at 9'5, his flaccid penis stood could kill any man in a single thrust.  He assumed the role of Commander in Chief of the Zimmerite army.  Most men joined out of respect.  Most women joined because of the prospect of sleeping with him.  One man emerged as Markofvious' right hand man: Hagnimity, a Zimmerite porn star known for his skills in acrobatics and sweet cumshots.  Together they amassed an army of 50,000 Zimmerites and trained them rigorously for battle with the Russians.

Chapter Two--The Rise of Evil: 1622 BCE

After many generations, the Zimmerites were abundant.  They lived a peaceful life for millions upon millions of years.  The year 1622 however, would shake the world of the Zimmerites forever.  

On the 58th day of year 1622 BCE, a Zimmerite family gave birth to a child: Ricarday.  Ricarday was not a normal, funloving Zimmerite.  Unlike others who were content with the simplicity of life, Ricarday wanted more.  He wanted absolute control.  Authority.  Dictatorship.  Tyranny.  At age 17, Knowing he could not change the peaceful ways of the Zimmerites, he set off to start a new tribe.  A tribe of warriors.  He went from tribe to tribe, secretly attempting to enlist people into his tribe.  Many thought him crazy and shunned him from their tribes.  On the  58th day of the year 1640 BCE, he found another wanderer: JawnZow.  JawnZow was from the tribe of the slanties, not too far from where the Zimmerites lived.  JawnZow was expelled from his tribe as he was declared to be morally bankrupt and blatantly offensive.  He seeked revenge.  Upon meeting Ricarday, he learned the ways of the warrior and the ways of the dark side.  Ricarday and JawnZow set out to expand their tribe.  After going from tribe to tribe, unable to find people who shared their love of power, they realized that the only way to form their tribe was through force.  Through Violence.  And Through Evil.  On the night of the 60th day of the year 161, they crafted weapons, and singlehandedly sacked a small tribe of McLeods.  They gave each member a choice: fight for the cause, or be killed.  The tribe, made of only 7 members, was divided.  4 chose death.  3 chose the fight for the cause.  JawnZow, who now became known as "JZ" and Ricarday branded all 3 McLeods on the neck with their new names: Cawlin, Jareto, Jackus.  Ricarday and JZ taught them the ways of their cause.  Eventually brainwashed, the 3 McLeods became loyal fighters for Ricarday and JZ.  They formed a new tribe: The Russians.  And they were mobilizing.  Now.  

Chapter One--Creation

In the year 1622 B.C.E, in a town not too far from present-day glenbiew there was a colony of Natives.  Now, these Natives lived pleasant, simple lives.  They had no appreciation for clothing and lived by eating what the land gave them.  They spent their free time roaming the land, making love to the women of other tribes, sleeping in the midday sun, and thinking about what life would be like on the other side of the world.  They called themselves the Zimmerites, the true chosen people of Jewddalah, their God.  

The Zimmerites had an amazing history, which started with Adam and Eve's grandson: Aleczesty.  Aleczesty, son of Cane, strove for ultimate perfection in life.  Upon learning that his father murdered his brother and his grandparents disobeyed Jewddalah, he did not want to procreate with other Humans, as he felt they were evil.  He wandered the earth for many years, contemplating many questions about why people were evil.  On day 844, Aleczesty arrived at a river, where he stopped to take a drink.  In the river, he met the mother of the Zimmerite people: Alyssumo, a flounder/salmon hybrid.  Upon gazing into each other's eyes, they immediately fell in love.  They named their first son Zimmer.  Zimmer was no ordinary 1/2 salmon/flounder 1/2 human.  He had incredible shape-shifting powers that gave him the ability to hunt and kill all prey.  He also had a sixth sense; it was a sense no other creature had ever possessed: Smysersmell.  It was the ability for him to read people's minds.  Zimmer had two brothers.  Their names were Fill and Will.  From them sprang forth the great tribe: The Zimmerites.