Chapter Fifteen -- Epicness

On the other side of the battle from where Laustin was meeting his untimely fate, three battalions of Zimmerites were marching into combat. Alec and Cibobrowsky fearlessly strode forward, encouraging their men. Steven Murray was back at camp inventing the K, so his men advanced leaderless. Cibobrowsky rode his horse, Lexandria, to the very front of the lines. Trampling Russians, he laughed maniacally and beckoned his soldiers forward. Suddenly, a dark figure emerged from the Russian masses. Crushing Russian soldiers beneath his feet, the giant marched directly towards Cibobrowsky. When the Zimmerite general turned, his face fell. It was Von Kiyagaba, the dark knight, exiled from the kingdom of Ashland, who Cibobrowsky only recognized from hushed whispers in the Zimmerite camp. When Lexandria saw his massive shadow, she bucked Cibobrowsky off and bolted back towards the camp. Defenseless, Cibobrowsky stood still, gazing straight upwards at his adversary. Von Kiyagaba broke him in two and rushed forward. Alec, bravely ran forward (he believed riding horses demeaned them), drawing his sword and tearing off his synthetic cotton shirt, revealing surprisingly well-defined abdominals. Von Kiyagaba yelled, blinded by white of the topless Zimmerite. With the opportunity, Alec slashed at the Russian’s legs, cutting deep gashes. Enraged, Von Kiyagaba punched Alec in the jaw. Not accounting for the strength of Alec’s beautiful though large pearly whites, the Russian’s knuckles shattered. Falling to his knees, clutching his hand, Von Kiyagaba swore he would kill Alec. Alec paid no attention though, staring at Von Kiyagaba’s knees. The Russian drew a massive club to crush Alec, shouting. Alec did not move, but continued to stare at the place Von Kiyagaba had fallen. Disconcerted, Von Kiyagaba looked down. When he had fallen, he fell upon an adorable bunny rabbit, killing it. When he looked back up, he only saw Alec’s tear-filled eyes. Driven by his love for all living creatures, Alec stabbed Von Kiyagaba through the heart. The nearby soldiers stopped fighting as the tremors from Von Kiyagaba’s body hitting the ground rippled across the battlefield. Alec ran past the body, killing dozens of men with renewed strength from a bunny-driven bloodlust. All of a sudden, he stopped. The whole battle stopped. Ricarday had arrived.

Chapter 14--The Battle Begins

Laustin commanded the strongest infantry division, called the Bulldogs. He engaged the Russians directly while Roganick instructed the archers to defend from the fields behind. Laustin’s battalion displayed heroism difficult to describe. Their swordsmanship was unmatched. Their Laustin shot his crossbow while his battalion charged with swords. An hour into the engagement, a soldier, Kenneth, ran to Laustin. “Sir, more than a third of the Bulldogs have fallen, and the Russians have too many replacement troops. The men are exhausted and—,” Laustin cut him off. “Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting wabbit.” He shot another Russian, then drew his sword and ran to the front of the lines, hewing down Russian after Russian. They broke like watuh on a wock, and eventually Laustin was tired. The Russians pushed forward a berserker warrior, Falcon Shklar. She screeched as she fought, frightening the men. Shklar and Laustin met in combat, evenly matched. Laustin stabbed her repeatedly, but she did not feel anything. “Maybe you’re not trying hard enough, try moving a little to the left.” Nothing worked. Laustin tripped on a Russian’s body, and Shklar fell upon him like a rabid dog. He was gone. A Zimmerite, Oblivia, broke from the ranks and ran to her fallen leader. She swiftly decapitated Shklar and shouted the sky “WHHYYYYYD. The Bulldogs pushed the Russians back. Barely discernable over the din of the battle was a yell. “Yay Liv!”

Chapter Thirteen--Mourning Sickness

As the thundering march of the Russian troop deployments echoed in the valley of Glenview, Hagnimity told the Zimmerites of the fate of their greasy yet macho leader. Every listener hung their heads in disbelief. Women wept. Battle-hardened warriors fell to their knees. Craig even put down his cigarette and put all of his clothes back on. Upon his white stallion, with flowing hair under an ugly beanie, Hagnimity continued to speak. He quoted Lord of the Rings a lot. He told the Zimmerites that hope was not lost; Chochberg’s operation may yet be successful, and an Argyle hailstorm of poor fashion could save them yet. “You must fight with all the intensity of a speaking yoshi, and pray to the only god who can save us in this time of battle: Mandrews.” He dismissed the troops and rode off.
Two hours later, after hurried preparations were completed, the two armies stood across from each other, waiting. Finally, Rothsfecca blew the horn. The Russians and the Zimmerites rushed towards each other with a roar. It had begun.

Chapter 12--The Drums of War

Zparks, the elf guard, sounded the blowhorn as the Russians stormed the gates at the edge of the Zimmerite lands. It would not be 8 hours before the Russians tore the gates down and charged the camp. Rajega was still wounded from the battle with Murrayman and did not have the strength to bring the fashion crisis as his ovaries impeded his magic. Knowing they could not win the war without a fashion crisis, Markofvious prepared to surrender. As he was instructing the rise of the white flag, a young Zimmerite plastic surgeon, Chochberg approached Markofvious. He offered to perform gender-change surgery on Rajega to reinvigorate his Argyle powers. It was risky. The surgery would take at least 9 hours and the Zimmerites would have to fend of an advancing Russian army. As Markofvious was contemplating his options, Kaavatron, the Zimmerite robot messenger, brought a declaration of war from Ricarday. The final line of the declaration, Ricarday wrote "You will not surrender. We will slaughter all surviving populations." War was imminent. Markofvious accepted Chochberg's offer to perform reconstructive surgery on Rajega. Markofvious had only a few hours to organize the army. when he approached the troops, Hagnimity was busily engaged in a 7some with young Zimmerite maidens. Markofvious, known for being a cockblock, stormed into the room furiously demanded that Hagnimity assemble the troops. Hagnimity had assembled 5 battalion, each led by a proven Zimmerite warrior: Alec, Laustin, Cibabobarisky, Roganick, and the teddy bear master Steven Murray. As the 5 armies prepared for battle under Hagnimities orders, Markofvious, knowing he could die, went to make love to his wife, Stacy. As they procreated, Little Dannybernick heard a violent noise coming from his parents' room. Frightened, he grabbed a kitchen knife and ran to his mom's room. Not having been taught the birds and the bees, he hurled the kitchen knife straight through Markofvious' chest. Stacy shrieked as her lover fell to the floor, dead. The great Zimmerite leader was gone and Hagnimity would have to lead the forces of good against the rapidly approaching Russian army