Chapter Nineteen--The Odyssey

The battle was frozen. Ricarday was still hypnotized by Kaavatron's enticing bouncing, and Noopdebhups and Litperson were strong enough to beat him off with Irvin Ho's severed limb if he came out of the trance. But their battery power was limited. The Zimmerites had hope in two recently dispatched missions. That of Chochberg, Deetay and Eliz, and that of Eeay and the dragon yoshi. But both had to succeed for the good of all the Zimmerites. A fashion crisis would temporarily derail the Russians, but Ricarday and his men (and women—we don't endorse gendered language) were too strong to rely solely on that. Eeay and dragon yoshi had to reach the fountain of eeter to save Punjanshu.
We return now to the story of Eeay. Trust us when we say you don't want to know more about the Ricarday-Kaavatron goings on. You may be scarred for life.
Eeay and dragon yoshi flew through the land of the Zimmerites, stopping every once in awhile to swoop down and retrieve food. Eeay fed off the land, consuming little red BeyerBerries, but dragon yoshi was hungry and unsatisfied by such meager human fare. She roared her desire for more. Eeay was afraid, for though the dragon was temporarily tame, she had a terrible habit of breaking into a chorus of "Valentine's Eve" when she grew hungry. Men and women and children had withered at the first repetition of "no you can't." But Eeay had to press on toward Punjanshu. She was all too aware of the Zimmerite robots' limited battery power, and so she simply hoped she would find dragon yoshi some food along the way.
Punjanshu's village lay on the outskirts of the Land of the Mole People, where Lord Hite reigned. Eeay knew she would have to pass through the Land of the Mole People, a dangerous and perilous route, but the fastest way to Punjanshu nonetheless.
After three days of tireless travel, Eeay and dragon yoshi reached the Mole Gates. As Eeay pondered how to gain entry into this forbidden land of Macbooks and Diet Coke, she saw two enormous creatures approaching the gates from the inside.
"Who are you?" bellowed a deep but strangely jolly voice.
Eeay shuddered in fear. "I am a Zimmerite elder, Eeay. I seek entry into your great land. I will cut as many cards as you desire in order to get through. I must save my people!"
The voice chuckled menacingly. "I can let you through, old one. But you must find your own way through after that."
"Who are you?" Eeay whispered, dreading the answer.
"It is not who I am, but what I am," the voice barked. "I am a Herndawg. And I am your worst nightmare."
With that, the disembodied voice whipped open the gates, roaring with laughter. "Fight your way through this, Eeay!" the Herndawg yelped. He was enormous, a mix of a cougar and a falcon. His blue-gold eyes blazed and his huge black and red wings flapped as he laughed.
Eeay's eyes filled with petrified terror as she took in the scene before her. The Hoochalicious River that cut through the Land of the Mole People had flooded, and it was brimming with horrendous monsters. Mutant smurfs danced across the turbulent waters, their eyes piercing and their raucous laughs ringing against the river. The Herndawg was practically bawling with laughter as he chanted in a strange tongue, "Wata-aff-wata-aff-wata-aff."
Suddenly, Eeay felt a shudder beside her. Dragon yoshi was roaring in a combination of hunger and anger at the situation. She pounced into the river, devouring smurf after smurf until the only one remaining was the Papa Smurf, a gigantic blue leviathan with a very 70s style 'fro going on. As dragon yoshi approached Papa Smurf, the Herndawg, who had been previously mute in shocked silence, spoke.
"He's the last of their kind, O great yoshi. Please leave him be!"
The dragon pondered this, blowing great rings of smoke into the air as she breathed. "I am no longer starving, so I will mercy you, Papa Smurf. What is your name?"
He coughed nervously. "M'Lacy, m'lady. I will serve your every need as I am grateful you have spared me."
Eeay was still shocked by the dragon's demolition of the smurfs, but she knew they had to press on. M'Lacy, Eeay and the dragon dog-paddled across the now calm Hoochalicious, leaving behind the subdued Herndawg. The three adventurers moved forward in companiable silence until they reached a forest the outskirts of the Land of the Mole People.
"The Forbidden Forest of Functional Competition," M'Lacy breathed.
"What is it, Papa Smurf?" Eeay asked.
"This is the evilest, foulest blot on the map of the Land of the Mole People. Here is where Lord Hite banishes those who fail his Gap-test. This is where he sends the lowest of the low."
"But who lives here?" Eeay spat, imagining the horrors they might encounter.
"The Face harpies, for one. They escape at times to take part in Craig's weird chapters, but they generally reside here. Spotty C, Grike Meanstein…but in the innermost circle of the forest resides the most evil in the eyes of Lord Hite. There is a cove called the cove of G-Bean. The people here live a spartan lifestyle, coming out of their land only occaisonally to visit Flynncock. But they are ruled by three great ones—three who are so great and terrible that one of them threatens the greatness of Rajega."
Eeay gasped, for she had heard of this land. And she knew the three great ones: Victorious, DeebOHrious, and the one most frightening of them all. His only goal was to overthrow the fame and wonder of Rajega—and this goal had consumed him so much that no one knew his true name. He had taken on the name Vinaynay, and it struck fear in the hearts of all Zimmerites.
"We will have to pass through the Cove of G-Bean, Eeay," M'Lacy said, confirming Eeay's worst fears.
"And so we will," Eeay responded. She had to press on.

Punjanshu then magically turned into a squirrel 

Chapter 18--Weird Indian/Caucasian Hookups

Ricarday easily found his way to the Quadrangle of Legality. Behind him, the battle raged on, the Russians annihilating the Zimmerites, as they had lost their leader. But Ricarday wanted to be sure there were NO SURVIVORS. He spied the shimmering sunlight and green fields of the Quadrangle and his mouth watered at all the solar power he could harness from there.

The Quadrangle was guarded by three of the Zimmerites’ most capable robots, however, and Ricarday knew that using the brute force of his head would not suffice this time. He had to trick the robots. So, like the Animagus he was, he leapt and transformed into AlbinoBunny, a seemingly sweet white rabbit. Ricarday hopped in AlbinoBunny form toward the three robots, Noopdebhups, Litperson, and Kaavatron. He first nuzzled up to Litperson, but she was too strong for his mind games. Litperson reached robotically into her armor and pulled out a mangled leg labeled “Irvin Ho” and proceeded to whack Ricarday the bunny with it. Ricarday hopped out of the way and Litperson, confused about where her target had gone, began to hit Kaavatron with Irvin Ho’s leg. Kaavatron was not strong enough to withstand the assault and soon began to malfunction. She tried to walk away but could no longer walk—instead her gait seemed more like a steady bounce, up, down, up down. As Ricarday watched Kaavatron bouncing, he found he could not stop staring. This beautiful brown robot had hypnotized him, and Ricarday lay rooted to the spot.

The Zimmerites, seeing this, knew it was their time to pounce, but could not fathom how to. For the time being, Rajega was safe, protected by Ricarday’s hypnosis and Noopdebhups. But Ricarday was unpredictable, and so the Zimmerites knew they could not count on him being hypnotized by Kaavatron’s bouncing forever.

It was then that an idea struck one of the oldest Zimmerites—Eeay. She remembered a time where the Zimmerites had had another leader, a fearless leader. But this leader had left them years ago to live a life of adventure with Thiboner. Thiboner was dead now, and this leader was sickly—but Eeay knew that if this leader could be taken to the fountain of eeter, she could be rejuvenated. Eeay stepped forward and explained this to the Zimmerites. “I will journey to the fountain of eeter to save Punjanshu. The waters there will surely save her and bring her back to the squirrel strength she used to possess.”

Those Zimmerites who remembered the glory and victory under Punjanshu’s reign cheered. “Take the dragon yoshi with you for protection, O Eeay!” they cried. The dragon thundered out from her cave and roared her assent. Eeay climbed on. She had little time to reach Punjanshu and the fountain of eeter.
For future chapters:

Chapter Seventeen--Rods from God

Ricarday stepped into the light of a sunbeam descending from the heavens, his brilliant white hair glistening. He stood at twelve feet tall and weighed Sixty Five pounds. Women swooned. Men swooned and finally understood the inner workings of Christoph’s fairy mind. Everything about Ricarday was pure beauty, from the sheen of his blonde hair to the creepy smirk he got when he found a sweet SPS card. His eyes were soft golden pools of hypnotic mystery, and the Zimmerites got lost just staring into their Edward-Cullen-esque dreaminess.

Then Ricarday spoke. His words were from the sacred book of Calumny, in the chapter of Gtalk statuses: “And always, as the whirling wheel of life turns in us, the war will be the axis around which it turns.” The voice that emerged from this godlike creature was unexpected. It squawked and grated, reverberating around the battlefield, uprooting trees and sending tremors throughout the land. Children began to cry, fearing that this Russian was truly there to leave NO SURVIVORS.

Hagnimity sat up straight, the stance of a leader, and blew his jungle horn, signaling the start of the Zimmerites’ offensive against Ricarday. Though Rajega was still in surgery under the watchful eyes of Chochberg, Hagnimity had faith that they could delay the battle five more hours until Rajega’s manpower returned. Chochberg had informed him that the surgery was proceeding well but that Rajega’s manliness had, stolen by the Murrayman, had been stored in the forest of Flynncock. So Chochberg, bringing with him Deetay and Eliz (who had escaped, wounded but still alive, from the cave of the Murrayman) for extra end strength, was leaving Rajega in the care of three Zimmerite robots (their three most reliable)—Noopdebhups, Litperson, and Kaavatron.

“I promise you we will retrieve Rajega’s argyle manpower from the forest of Flynncock,” Eliz promised Hagnimity as the three young men set off. Hagnimity’s eyes followed the swaying hips of Deetay into the distance, his eyes tearing up a bit at the thought that such a beautiful young wizard may not return home.

Turning back to the battlefield, Hagnimity spoke in his silky, lispen, voice. “Ith ith imperathive,” he cried out, “thath we delay Ricarday and the Russianth! Leth uth fighth, Zimmeritheth!”

Alec, the Zimmerites’ strongest warrior, took the words of Hagnimity to heart and charged forward. The rest of the Zimmerites followed. Still shirtless, Alec was exposed to the elements, but also stronger for it as the blinding whiteness of his beautiful pectorals blinded the Russians. Ricarday, in his skinny greatness, contemplated the feisty Zimmerite now charging at him and cackled.

“Allow me to introduce to you my secret weapon!” Ricarday squawked, and he spread his arms and turned his face down. The Zimmerites watched in awed fear as they learned why Ricarday’s hair was so white. His head turned into a solar powered satellite, and he began to turn it on the Zimmerites. Ricarday reflected beams of sunlight from the sun to his head to the Zimmerites, burning them alive. “I knew SPS was a weapon!” they shrieked as they burned. Ricarday and his solar power swept through the ranks of the Zimmerites, obliterating many of the strongest Zimmerite 2Ns.

He approached Hagnimity and spoke in Russian. “Join me or die.”

Hagnimity, enamored by the solar power Ricarday commanded, gave one final look to the Zimmerite ranks and yelped, “I must join the Russians!” He turned in place and stood to line up next to Ricarday.
“Good,” Ricarday responded. “Turn and run back to Russian base camp and command my solar sail division.”

The Zimmerites were frightened at the loss of yet another leader and began to quake with fear as Ricarday stormed through their troops.

“Where is the Quadrangle of Legality?” Ricarday bellowed, and the Zimmerites gasped, for the Quadrangle was where Rajega was being kept safe. They did not know how Ricarday knew of this sacred place’s existence nor of Rajega’s existence. One scared Zimmerite child, Fill, yelped the answer and pointed Ricarday in the right direction.

He stormed off to the Quadrangle, burning at random as he went.

Chapter 16--Gratification

Um ok so I thought I should let people know the following writers have played a large part in crafting these tales. If you enjoy the stories, thank them. If you hate them, and I don't blame you, please seek revenge on them.

Mitch "Hagnimity" Hagney
Anshu "Punjanshu" Sathian
Craig "Hurricane Craig" Smyser

Chapter Fifteen -- Epicness

On the other side of the battle from where Laustin was meeting his untimely fate, three battalions of Zimmerites were marching into combat. Alec and Cibobrowsky fearlessly strode forward, encouraging their men. Steven Murray was back at camp inventing the K, so his men advanced leaderless. Cibobrowsky rode his horse, Lexandria, to the very front of the lines. Trampling Russians, he laughed maniacally and beckoned his soldiers forward. Suddenly, a dark figure emerged from the Russian masses. Crushing Russian soldiers beneath his feet, the giant marched directly towards Cibobrowsky. When the Zimmerite general turned, his face fell. It was Von Kiyagaba, the dark knight, exiled from the kingdom of Ashland, who Cibobrowsky only recognized from hushed whispers in the Zimmerite camp. When Lexandria saw his massive shadow, she bucked Cibobrowsky off and bolted back towards the camp. Defenseless, Cibobrowsky stood still, gazing straight upwards at his adversary. Von Kiyagaba broke him in two and rushed forward. Alec, bravely ran forward (he believed riding horses demeaned them), drawing his sword and tearing off his synthetic cotton shirt, revealing surprisingly well-defined abdominals. Von Kiyagaba yelled, blinded by white of the topless Zimmerite. With the opportunity, Alec slashed at the Russian’s legs, cutting deep gashes. Enraged, Von Kiyagaba punched Alec in the jaw. Not accounting for the strength of Alec’s beautiful though large pearly whites, the Russian’s knuckles shattered. Falling to his knees, clutching his hand, Von Kiyagaba swore he would kill Alec. Alec paid no attention though, staring at Von Kiyagaba’s knees. The Russian drew a massive club to crush Alec, shouting. Alec did not move, but continued to stare at the place Von Kiyagaba had fallen. Disconcerted, Von Kiyagaba looked down. When he had fallen, he fell upon an adorable bunny rabbit, killing it. When he looked back up, he only saw Alec’s tear-filled eyes. Driven by his love for all living creatures, Alec stabbed Von Kiyagaba through the heart. The nearby soldiers stopped fighting as the tremors from Von Kiyagaba’s body hitting the ground rippled across the battlefield. Alec ran past the body, killing dozens of men with renewed strength from a bunny-driven bloodlust. All of a sudden, he stopped. The whole battle stopped. Ricarday had arrived.

Chapter 14--The Battle Begins

Laustin commanded the strongest infantry division, called the Bulldogs. He engaged the Russians directly while Roganick instructed the archers to defend from the fields behind. Laustin’s battalion displayed heroism difficult to describe. Their swordsmanship was unmatched. Their Laustin shot his crossbow while his battalion charged with swords. An hour into the engagement, a soldier, Kenneth, ran to Laustin. “Sir, more than a third of the Bulldogs have fallen, and the Russians have too many replacement troops. The men are exhausted and—,” Laustin cut him off. “Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting wabbit.” He shot another Russian, then drew his sword and ran to the front of the lines, hewing down Russian after Russian. They broke like watuh on a wock, and eventually Laustin was tired. The Russians pushed forward a berserker warrior, Falcon Shklar. She screeched as she fought, frightening the men. Shklar and Laustin met in combat, evenly matched. Laustin stabbed her repeatedly, but she did not feel anything. “Maybe you’re not trying hard enough, try moving a little to the left.” Nothing worked. Laustin tripped on a Russian’s body, and Shklar fell upon him like a rabid dog. He was gone. A Zimmerite, Oblivia, broke from the ranks and ran to her fallen leader. She swiftly decapitated Shklar and shouted the sky “WHHYYYYYD. The Bulldogs pushed the Russians back. Barely discernable over the din of the battle was a yell. “Yay Liv!”

Chapter Thirteen--Mourning Sickness

As the thundering march of the Russian troop deployments echoed in the valley of Glenview, Hagnimity told the Zimmerites of the fate of their greasy yet macho leader. Every listener hung their heads in disbelief. Women wept. Battle-hardened warriors fell to their knees. Craig even put down his cigarette and put all of his clothes back on. Upon his white stallion, with flowing hair under an ugly beanie, Hagnimity continued to speak. He quoted Lord of the Rings a lot. He told the Zimmerites that hope was not lost; Chochberg’s operation may yet be successful, and an Argyle hailstorm of poor fashion could save them yet. “You must fight with all the intensity of a speaking yoshi, and pray to the only god who can save us in this time of battle: Mandrews.” He dismissed the troops and rode off.
Two hours later, after hurried preparations were completed, the two armies stood across from each other, waiting. Finally, Rothsfecca blew the horn. The Russians and the Zimmerites rushed towards each other with a roar. It had begun.

Chapter 12--The Drums of War

Zparks, the elf guard, sounded the blowhorn as the Russians stormed the gates at the edge of the Zimmerite lands. It would not be 8 hours before the Russians tore the gates down and charged the camp. Rajega was still wounded from the battle with Murrayman and did not have the strength to bring the fashion crisis as his ovaries impeded his magic. Knowing they could not win the war without a fashion crisis, Markofvious prepared to surrender. As he was instructing the rise of the white flag, a young Zimmerite plastic surgeon, Chochberg approached Markofvious. He offered to perform gender-change surgery on Rajega to reinvigorate his Argyle powers. It was risky. The surgery would take at least 9 hours and the Zimmerites would have to fend of an advancing Russian army. As Markofvious was contemplating his options, Kaavatron, the Zimmerite robot messenger, brought a declaration of war from Ricarday. The final line of the declaration, Ricarday wrote "You will not surrender. We will slaughter all surviving populations." War was imminent. Markofvious accepted Chochberg's offer to perform reconstructive surgery on Rajega. Markofvious had only a few hours to organize the army. when he approached the troops, Hagnimity was busily engaged in a 7some with young Zimmerite maidens. Markofvious, known for being a cockblock, stormed into the room furiously demanded that Hagnimity assemble the troops. Hagnimity had assembled 5 battalion, each led by a proven Zimmerite warrior: Alec, Laustin, Cibabobarisky, Roganick, and the teddy bear master Steven Murray. As the 5 armies prepared for battle under Hagnimities orders, Markofvious, knowing he could die, went to make love to his wife, Stacy. As they procreated, Little Dannybernick heard a violent noise coming from his parents' room. Frightened, he grabbed a kitchen knife and ran to his mom's room. Not having been taught the birds and the bees, he hurled the kitchen knife straight through Markofvious' chest. Stacy shrieked as her lover fell to the floor, dead. The great Zimmerite leader was gone and Hagnimity would have to lead the forces of good against the rapidly approaching Russian army